The Last 4 Years

Just going to jump right into this and say, what a time to be alive. These past couple of weeks have been crazy and chaotic and unnerving. Everything is so unknown and that’s a scary thing. I’ve been trying to be optimistic and not panic about all of the uncertainty.

What I’ve struggled to wrap my mind around is that everything was so normal and then all of a sudden it wasn’t. One day I was living my life, the next I was getting emails about online classes, canceled graduation, and whether or not I could work remotely. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this is how my senior year would end.

The thing is, I don’t feel sad about it. As I write this, I could cry. Not because I’m upset about the abrupt ending but because I’m so overwhelmed with gratitude for the last four years.

I remember being a high school senior, wondering what college would be like. If I could go back and tell my high school self anything, it would be: Girl, don’t stress, you’re going to kill it in college, you will absolutely thrive.

My college experience has given me more than I ever could have asked for.

In the past four years, I’ve traveled to 11 countries and 7 states. I’ve run 2 half marathons. I became the president of an incredible organization. I studied abroad, twice. I found new hobbies, like bouldering and barre fit. I took classes for fun, like a webpage design class where I’ve learned how to code. I worked so many jobs, like so so many, and loved every single one of them. Words can’t even begin to describe how lucky I feel to have worked at UWEC’s library and Center for International Education. Over the past four years, those offices and people began to feel like home.

I’m someone who strongly feels that home is people, not a place. In these four years, I’ve been beyond blessed with the people who’ve come into my life. Best friends who I’ve laughed, cried, and celebrated life with. Two someones who make me feel like I am enough, just as I am. Someone who made me feel like I could be loved. Someone who wasn’t scared of my monsters. Someone who lives across the country but I talk to almost daily because they just get me so well. These five people, and countless others, changed my life for the better. They taught me about friendship and what it means to love and be loved. They are home.

I think the reason why I’m so content with this ending is because I have no regrets. Sure, there are things I never got around to that I wish I could still do. But the things that mattered, I did those. I took leaps of faith in the form of plane tickets. I took a leap of faith in the form of a letter, telling someone just how much they meant to me. I was a yes person, doing things like dancing one last night away with old+new friends and getting a spontaneous tattoo that I’m still so in love with. I persisted, reapplying to join an organization when I was rejected the first time. Now, I’ll be working full time for them in a big city doing something that matters.

Not only did I do the things that mattered, but I’ve also grown in ways I never could have imagined. I am a leader. That was never someone I thought I would, or could, be. I can honestly say that 95% of the time, I do not care what other people think of me. I’m not afraid to stand up for what I believe in and speak my truth. I’m bold enough to always tell someone how I feel and secure enough to know that I am worthy of love regardless of if I’m rejected or not. I’ve strengthened my faith, something that’s been quite the process these past few years. I’ve become someone who’s not afraid to hop on planes to foreign countries by myself. Someone who is wildly independent but loves people more than anything.

Even the really hard things I’ve gone through over these four years aren’t things I would change. Hell made me stronger, more confident, more compassionate, and it taught me one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned thus far. One of my favorite country songs, If you’re going through hell by Rodney Atkins, goes like this:

“But the good news
Is there’s angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet”

There will always, always, be people who will love you and show up for you. These lyrics remind me of that. If you are vulnerable enough to make it known that you need a hand, there will be angels everywhere. If I’ve learned anything in the past few years it’s that vulnerability is key and that I’m never alone. I’ve honestly never felt more loved than I do now and that’s such a good feeling.

It’s been an incredible four years. As I sit here writing all of this and reflecting, the gratitude is overwhelming. I am so blessed and so lucky that this is my life. That I got to live these experiences. Everything that I experience from here on out is because of my college experience and who I’ve become as a result of it. These have been the best four years of my life…so far. I know there are even better ones to come. But for now, I’m choosing to be present in this moment. It’s a strange time and so much is unknown but I also have so much to be thankful for and despite it all, I couldn’t have asked for a better four years, in the very best city, with the very best people. I feel so, so, blessed.

Hugs,