I walked in completely unassuming; it was just another Friday. And then, there he was, a mop of brown hair and piercing blue eyes. Our exchange was nothing more than a ‘Hello” but I was struck. By what, I didn’t know, but something in my soul stirred. This man was going to change my life, I could feel it, I just didn’t know how.
Friendship came fast, casually spilling secrets over Chipotle. Easy, intimate. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt so safe in someone’s presence.
“I’m nervous,” I laugh. “Me too,” he says. His lips are on mine. This night has been a movie. The song This is How You Fall in Love by Jeremy Zucker and Chelsea Cutler comes on in the background as our tongues dance. It’s a fitting soundtrack; for in that moment, I was. How do you not love your best friend?
I tell him the story of a guy who hurt me. I don’t want this to end up like that. In my mind, I have made my position clear; don’t take my pants off if you don’t plan on sticking around. Don’t leave the next day like he did. But, in the heat of the moment, the lines of communication blur.
“This hurts like a breakup,” he says. He holds me while I cry. It is the same situation all over again; it is the next day. He’s still in love with his ex but he wants me in his life. He says he doesn’t want to lose me; I tell him he won’t. But, In saying that, am I losing myself?
The song I Hate You, I Love You by Garrett Nash and Olivia O’Brian keeps playing through my head. This is what our soundtrack has become. I still don’t understand why he even kissed me in the first place.
My mom says that of her three daughters, I’m the one who is the least likely to take this kind of bullshit from a guy. “This is not you,” she says. She’s right, but for some reason, I can’t seem to let him go.
But the thing is, if we are going to remain friends, I do need to let go. I need to let go of the way things went down between us. I need to not hold our miscommunications against him. The pain that he put me through and the pain it brought up, I need to let it all go.
But how? How do I let that go while maintaining and growing one of the most beautiful friendships I’ve been lucky enough to be a part of?
I think it starts with realizing that I am enough. It starts with putting me first. It’s giving to myself what I’ve been giving to him. I’m shaking as I write this; it’s scary. The thought of putting myself first scares me. Am I less loveable if I put my own needs above others? If we take a step back and reconvene, will he still even want to be my friend? Or will it not matter; he has her. He doesn’t need me.
I don’t have a crystal ball; I don’t know how our stories will fit back together. Only time will tell. My hope is that we will be able to build back a strong, intimate, friendship that’s healthy for both of us. But for now, it’s about time I start choosing myself and letting him go.
