October 2017. It has been one hell of a month. With emphasis on the word hell for good reason. It has been one of the hardest months of my life but with challenge comes growth, and as we near the end of this October I’ve been reflecting back on everything that happened and everything that I felt. It’s a lot to process just thinking about it, too many thoughts swirling around my head. So I’ve decided to conceptualize it in the way that I express my feelings best, by writing October 2017 a letter. A love letter, because every letter that I have ever written is in some way/shape/form a love letter and I don’t see why this should be any different.
October 2017,
You nearly broke me. You stressed me out, overwhelmed me, and hurt me more that I knew was possible. You made me feel like I was drowning in an ocean, or lost in the woods. Maybe a little of both. I almost lost myself completely. I tried to chase the anxiety you brought me away with tequila shots and mixed drinks. You caused me to gain an “I don’t give two shits” attitude. It took every ounce of motivation I had just to show up to class, to study, and to do my homework. The stress you brought me, it kept me up and caused me to wake up in the middle of the night. Lying in bed feeling more overwhelmed than ever, wondering how I was supposed to manage a team when I could barely manage myself, wondering how I was going to get all of my work done, wondering what I was doing with my life. I’ve broken down crying too many times to count. You made me doubt myself and my ability to handle everything going on in my life and that’s what hurt me most of all.
I spread myself very thin this semester. Six classes, working 15-20 hours a week, and being a team leader of a fast paced organization (AIESEC) is a lot to handle. I had my shit together in September but by the time you came along, October, I was so burnt out. Yet, you kept throwing curve balls my way. Issues with AIESEC kept coming up. Midterms and tests started popping up. Financial stress caused me to pick up more shifts at work. There were days when I would leave my dorm at 7:45am and not get back until 11pm. I really resented you for that.
I was so busy juggling everything you threw at me that I started seeing my friends less. There were weeks when I would only see them once or twice. Even when I was with them, I wasn’t fully present. Multitasking and perpetually stressed, I wasn’t that fun to be around anyway. But October 2017, you showed me something beautiful. You showed me that I have the most incredible people in my life. When I felt like I was spinning out of control my friends were there. They called me on my bullshit when I said I was fine. They listened to me vent. They listened to me cry. Gave me bear hugs. Helped me make pro/con lists. Drove me to Minnesota. Gave me advice. Supported me. Told me they loved me. October 2017, this is a love letter to you because you reminded me how lucky I am to have these people in my life. In a way, however, it is also a love letter to them.
You see, these incredible people, not only were they there for me, they reminded me of who I am and who I want to be. I want to be someone who can command a room but is full of compassion. Someone who isn’t afraid to speak her truth. Someone who faces challenges head on. Someone who stays determined despite failure. Someone who is fiery [my friends will tell you I’ve already got this one down but you can never be too opinionated or have too much sass right?😉]. Someone who’s not afraid to be vulnerable. Someone who goes after the world. Someone who can grant herself grace. I see these qualities in my friends and I love them for it.
Reminding me of the phenomenal people in my life was one beautiful thing you did for me, October. The other is that you reminded me to follow my heart.
I have always said that I wanted to be a teacher. It’s been the consistent part of my future plan since I got to college. I changed where I’m studying abroad, what I want my minor to be, what type of teacher I was going to be [I went from elementary to secondary social studies]. But the one thing that never changed was that I was going to be a teacher. The thing is, that should of been the first thing to change. I started to have doubts about whether or not I wanted to be a teacher my senior year of high school. I worked in two classrooms and I loveloveloved the kids but I wasn’t necessarily in love with the teaching aspects of it. When I got to college, I took one look at the Elementary Education curriculum and was like ‘No thanks’. So I changed to Social Studies education, thinking my love for social studies would make me happier with teaching. It didn’t. Yet, being the extremely stubborn person that I am, I persisted, choosing to ignore the little voice in my head suggesting that I try something completely different.
I spent two years ignoring that little voice in my head. Which is really sad when you think about it. It wasn’t until you came along, October 2017, that I was finally able to find the courage to let go and completely change the direction of my future. I am no longer going to be a teacher. Instead, I want to do marketing and PR for a non-profit and one day maybe even start my own. I’m changing my major to Integrated Strategic Communications with an emphasis in Public Relations and a minor in Global Studies. After I graduate from EC, I want to go to Minnesota- Twin Cities for grad school. They have an incredible Developmental Practice [basically prepares you for a degree in international development] grad program. For the first time in a long time, I am truly excited for every aspect of my future. It took nearly hitting rock bottom for me to realize that I have the right to change my mind. When I said out loud for the first time,”I don’t want to be a teacher” at 2am last Sunday, I swear it felt like the weight of the world was being lifted off my shoulders. October 2017, you reminded me that I have the power to change my situation. That there is absolutely no reason why I can’t go after my wildest dreams.
You kicked my ass– at first. You knocked me down and dragged me through the mud but you also reminded me that I am a fighter. That I am a badass who is confident and strong. You showed me what happens when you get so burnt out that you can barely breathe. But you also showed me that it is possible to find strength even on the darkest days.
Here’s the thing. So many times this month I have thought to myself “I’m loosing control.” I thought about skipping class pretty much every day, yet I always showed up. I considered getting black out drunk for the hell of it but never let myself go that far. I considered skipping meetings that I had but always ended up going. In the back of my mind, I knew that I would regret completely letting myself go. The most important thing that I learned from you, October 2017, is that I am strong enough to keep going. I can handle whatever is thrown at me. I may stumble and fall, but I will pick myself up off the ground and come back better than ever.
I almost lost my self but I’ll be damned if I didn’t find myself too and October 2017, I love you for that.
Love,
The girl you almost brought down, but didn’t.
Like I said, this isn’t just a love letter to October 2017, but a love letter to the people who got me through it. You know who you are and I can’t thank you enough❤
Hugs,
Elisabeth
