2020: The Year I Felt Most Alive

One year ago, around this very time, I thought to myself, at this time next year you’ll be doing something. You’ll know have your post-grad life figured out. For as long as I can remember, Christmas has been the marker in which I’ll know I’ll have my shit together. When I was 15, I got my first job working at Cousin’s Subs. It was March, I was about two weeks in, and I was feeling overwhelmed and out of place. By Christmas, I’ll know what I’m doing, I thought. Of course, I knew the ins and outs of Cousin’s long before Christmas but the idea of it just made me feel better. Now, here I am, arriving at that “next Christmas” marker I set for myself and I was right, I am doing something. I even have my life sort of figured out, albeit wildly different than I ever could have imagined.

I’ve learned so much this year that I don’t even know where to start. When I look back at it all, I can confidently say that 2020 is the year I felt most alive. It’s the year that magic I hadn’t even begun to imagine for myself spilled into my life. There were moments I was so scared that it paralyzed me. Moments where I felt shattered. Moments where I felt empowered. Moments where I felt unstoppable. Moments where I felt loved beyond belief.

I learned that I can live by myself and that I have what it takes to move halfway across the country without a plan. It’s the year I learned how to pivot and adapt in the face of immense change. It’s the year I realized that while I can’t control everything, I can control whether I choose to sit down or stand up.

Up until I moved to VA, I thought I was lucky. I wondered, ‘What did I do to deserve such beauty in my life?’ But, I’ve come to realize, as I’ve quickly created a life here, that while I am incredibly privileged, I am NOT lucky. I am a doer and a mover and a shaker. I’m a blazing fire of boldness and courage that can not be put out. I found a job and best friends because I asked for them, even though I was anxious and scared to put myself out there. When I decided to stay in VA instead of go to South Korea, I said to myself, what do I need to do in order to stay: get a 2nd job, buy a car, find a permanent place to live. Then, I went out and did all of those things.

Twenty-twenty was FULL of unexpected joys, and pain. That’s why I view it as the year I felt most alive. Climbing a waterfall, drinking poolside rum punch, graduation photoshoots, surprise grad parties, relaxing at a cabin, a week of deep depression, moving half-way across the country, empowering sex, dancing in the rain, a dysfunctional camping trip, feeling anxious, not knowing what path to take, sitting by the ocean, swimming in the ocean, kissing by the ocean, LIVING 10 minutes from the ocean, dancing a lot, laughing a lot, crying a whole awful lot, hugging a lot, best friends and goodbyes, and walking out the god damn door, and then opening new doors, navigating the complicatedness of love and humans and expectations, and miscommunications, it has been a year.

Cheers to 2021 and another year of figuring it out as we go. May we all feel alive for every minute of it.